Danny has always wanted me to be comfortable and confident enough with myself to stick up for myself, to state my opinions, to be assertive, to argue my point. Being the shy, timid girl I am I've always been paralyzed by contention, confrontation and other people's confidence. But the other day something magical happened. I don't remember what was happening or what we were talking about, but somehow I found it in me to stand my ground. Afterward I felt this unfamiliar feeling of elation. I felt powerful and strong. I felt good. And Danny felt good for me. Our conversation, whatever it had been was now a mutual celebration of my new-found confidence.
Yesterday it happened again. We were driving around delivering documents for his work before going to his sister's house for dinner and somehow one of the documents slipped between the seat and the center console and the wrong address got entered into the GPS. We wasted a lot of time and drove way out of the way. We couldn't figure out what had happened for a minute and when we did he was really mad at wasting so much of the trip. In situations like that, when anyone or no one could be blamed, I usually always take the blame and stew in my own self-loathing. This time was different. After a minute or two of silence as we backtracked, he started talking, letting me know he was really frustrated, but that he didn't want me to sit there blaming myself. I said with just a hint of sass, "Good, I'm not blaming myself, because I don't think I did a damn thing wrong." He actually laughed, and I felt that same feeling of power, confidence and self-love again. I felt like the woman emerging from the girl. The feeling in the car changed from terrible to wonderful again in less than a minute. If I hadn't said anything, or just dropped it like I usually do, we would have felt that strain for hours to come and dinner would have been ruined.
I always thought that it was love and respect or at least deference for the other person that made me swallow my pride and relinquish my opinion, but now I see how horribly wrong I've been. It wasn't love, it was something pretty opposite. Love comes from mutual understanding. If you don't really understand someone, or let them really understand you, the love is not there. When I don't allow myself to be heard, I don't allow love to grow- love for myself, love for others and love from others.
We've had a sick chicken for a few weeks. Our beautiful black and white coo coo maran had been sneezing on occasion for most of the summer, but about a week and a half ago she started going to sleep in random places and way too frequently. She was slow and lethargic and really skinny. Danny started doing all sorts of research, learning about all the medicines chicken breeders keep handy. Now we have a fully stocked chicken pharmacy and a recovering coo coo maran. Who knows, maybe one day all this stuff and knowledge will come in really handy and be more than just a great hobby.
Danny started a new job. It's going to be so much better.
Paul's mom taught me to say, say "oh blow it out your wazoo" and "drop dead Fred". You need something you can say when someone says something that would normally make you stew or feel inadequate. Let it roll off the back like water off a duck. These sayings keep things light and, as you learned, you don't have to let mistakes or bad circumstances bug you. Oh well, blow it out your wazoo. :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you!