Danny has always wanted me to be comfortable and confident enough with myself to stick up for myself, to state my opinions, to be assertive, to argue my point. Being the shy, timid girl I am I've always been paralyzed by contention, confrontation and other people's confidence. But the other day something magical happened. I don't remember what was happening or what we were talking about, but somehow I found it in me to stand my ground. Afterward I felt this unfamiliar feeling of elation. I felt powerful and strong. I felt good. And Danny felt good for me. Our conversation, whatever it had been was now a mutual celebration of my new-found confidence.
Yesterday it happened again. We were driving around delivering documents for his work before going to his sister's house for dinner and somehow one of the documents slipped between the seat and the center console and the wrong address got entered into the GPS. We wasted a lot of time and drove way out of the way. We couldn't figure out what had happened for a minute and when we did he was really mad at wasting so much of the trip. In situations like that, when anyone or no one could be blamed, I usually always take the blame and stew in my own self-loathing. This time was different. After a minute or two of silence as we backtracked, he started talking, letting me know he was really frustrated, but that he didn't want me to sit there blaming myself. I said with just a hint of sass, "Good, I'm not blaming myself, because I don't think I did a damn thing wrong." He actually laughed, and I felt that same feeling of power, confidence and self-love again. I felt like the woman emerging from the girl. The feeling in the car changed from terrible to wonderful again in less than a minute. If I hadn't said anything, or just dropped it like I usually do, we would have felt that strain for hours to come and dinner would have been ruined.
I always thought that it was love and respect or at least deference for the other person that made me swallow my pride and relinquish my opinion, but now I see how horribly wrong I've been. It wasn't love, it was something pretty opposite. Love comes from mutual understanding. If you don't really understand someone, or let them really understand you, the love is not there. When I don't allow myself to be heard, I don't allow love to grow- love for myself, love for others and love from others.
We've had a sick chicken for a few weeks. Our beautiful black and white coo coo maran had been sneezing on occasion for most of the summer, but about a week and a half ago she started going to sleep in random places and way too frequently. She was slow and lethargic and really skinny. Danny started doing all sorts of research, learning about all the medicines chicken breeders keep handy. Now we have a fully stocked chicken pharmacy and a recovering coo coo maran. Who knows, maybe one day all this stuff and knowledge will come in really handy and be more than just a great hobby.
Danny started a new job. It's going to be so much better.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Journal Entry - August 9, 2010
I'm a little depressed tonight, so my thoughts are tainted with melancholy.
My oldest sister had her third baby the other day. It's her third boy, her third beautiful boy. I am absolutely joyful for her. I think she's such a fabulous mother. I'm sure she's tired and relieved and maybe a little overwhelmed, and I wish I was there to help her. I wish I could take her older boys to the park and the pool and be the sister and aunt I'd like to be. Both my sisters have had their third babies this summer. I feel so far away. I am growing more and more appreiative of my family. I am grateful, super grateful, that Danny wants to move to Utah so we can be closer to my family. He is glad he married into this fantastic group of people.
Danny is no longer working for TJ's. His back was more important to us than his meager paycheck. He's registered for his fall semester classes, and if I can find a full-time job he can focus on school. I've been looking for a job, frantically and lazily depending on the week, since April. I think I must be really prideful. There are plenty of jobs to be had, but there are not many places I've been willing to work. I'm willing to be a burden to others who love me, but I'm not willing to work at some retail store or restaurant and contriute. I have gotted down on myself a lot for it. I go to apply, sometimes I even fill out the application and then I back out because I feel I can't cut it for some reason or another- I'm too scatter-brained to wait on tables, I'm not experienced enough for this, or knowledgeable enough for that, I have no training or schooling. So I give up and don't fight for it. I remember thinking a number of years ago that my lack of confidence is really a pride issue. I'm too prideful to show how incapable I am, or think I am, so I don't try. Lack of confidence, fear, pride... they are all one and the same, and they have a major grip on me. When will I ever learn to love myself? When will I let love be my weapon against my cage? If I learn on thing in my entire life, I hope it is this: To feel love all of the time.
I had a first experience two nights ago. I couldn't sleep. I was trying not to think about anything, and you know how when you've presented your brain with a question or problem and then walked away from it for a while the answer comes to you at some random time. Well, I've been trying to figure out how to remodel this house for months, and suddenly in the black silence I was walking through the fully remodeled house. I saw all the furnishings, the colors, the lighting, the flooring. It was so powerful that I got up and went to the office to draw it. I drew and drew for a good hour or more. I wrote note after note, and in the morning when I looked at my drawing I could barely read some of my writting because I had written over writing and drawn multiple layers on the same drawing. It was such an awesome experience. I felt like those great designers who just see it. This was my first time seeing the completed picture before it was half done in real life. It was great. And since that experience I've understood that all the time I've been struggling to find the exact right look I was skipping over all the other looks that would also be really dang cool. There is that saying: Perfection is the enemy of good enough.
I put all my stuff on Etsy on sale, and finally sold another hobby horse. I hope the little girl it's going to will love it.
We've postponed, indefinitely, our wedding celebration picnic. It's just wreched timing.
I'm a little depressed tonight, so my thoughts are tainted with melancholy.
My oldest sister had her third baby the other day. It's her third boy, her third beautiful boy. I am absolutely joyful for her. I think she's such a fabulous mother. I'm sure she's tired and relieved and maybe a little overwhelmed, and I wish I was there to help her. I wish I could take her older boys to the park and the pool and be the sister and aunt I'd like to be. Both my sisters have had their third babies this summer. I feel so far away. I am growing more and more appreiative of my family. I am grateful, super grateful, that Danny wants to move to Utah so we can be closer to my family. He is glad he married into this fantastic group of people.
Danny is no longer working for TJ's. His back was more important to us than his meager paycheck. He's registered for his fall semester classes, and if I can find a full-time job he can focus on school. I've been looking for a job, frantically and lazily depending on the week, since April. I think I must be really prideful. There are plenty of jobs to be had, but there are not many places I've been willing to work. I'm willing to be a burden to others who love me, but I'm not willing to work at some retail store or restaurant and contriute. I have gotted down on myself a lot for it. I go to apply, sometimes I even fill out the application and then I back out because I feel I can't cut it for some reason or another- I'm too scatter-brained to wait on tables, I'm not experienced enough for this, or knowledgeable enough for that, I have no training or schooling. So I give up and don't fight for it. I remember thinking a number of years ago that my lack of confidence is really a pride issue. I'm too prideful to show how incapable I am, or think I am, so I don't try. Lack of confidence, fear, pride... they are all one and the same, and they have a major grip on me. When will I ever learn to love myself? When will I let love be my weapon against my cage? If I learn on thing in my entire life, I hope it is this: To feel love all of the time.
I had a first experience two nights ago. I couldn't sleep. I was trying not to think about anything, and you know how when you've presented your brain with a question or problem and then walked away from it for a while the answer comes to you at some random time. Well, I've been trying to figure out how to remodel this house for months, and suddenly in the black silence I was walking through the fully remodeled house. I saw all the furnishings, the colors, the lighting, the flooring. It was so powerful that I got up and went to the office to draw it. I drew and drew for a good hour or more. I wrote note after note, and in the morning when I looked at my drawing I could barely read some of my writting because I had written over writing and drawn multiple layers on the same drawing. It was such an awesome experience. I felt like those great designers who just see it. This was my first time seeing the completed picture before it was half done in real life. It was great. And since that experience I've understood that all the time I've been struggling to find the exact right look I was skipping over all the other looks that would also be really dang cool. There is that saying: Perfection is the enemy of good enough.
I put all my stuff on Etsy on sale, and finally sold another hobby horse. I hope the little girl it's going to will love it.
We've postponed, indefinitely, our wedding celebration picnic. It's just wreched timing.
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