Setting up our first Christmas

The other day Danny and I pulled the little Christmas tree that my grandma gave to me a few years ago out of the attic. We waited till we were in a particularly Christmassy mood and then we went shopping for ornaments and lights. When we got home we warmed some cider and turned on some Christmas music to be festive and connect with our hundreds of years of Christian heritage. There really is magic in the Christmas season and in the celebrating of it. We laughed and smiled so much my cheeks hurt. We sang a little and tickle-fought a little and kissed a little and it was perfect. We only bought a few ornaments, and we didn't find a tree topper (we want a classy but not glamorous or glitzy star), so we left it because it's only our first Christmas and we're ok with starting off small and building as our life together builds. I have added some red berries since though and I'm glad; they add just the right contrast of color to make it look balanced. After the tree, we went outside and put up some retro-looking, big-bulbed, multi-colored lights that we both love. I danced.


And, yes, that's a black eye - what's left of a funny accident with the car door at the end of a long day on Thanksgiving.

One weekend this autumn Danny and I went camping with his sister, Ashley, and her husband, Matt, whom we love and really enjoy hanging out with. We went to Danny's favorite place where they used to go camping as a family when he was little and where he and his dad have gone many times just the two of them. He's taken me there before, and I too think it's a beautiful place. Late one afternoon we all wanted to go down to the river to hunt for trout. Ashley caught the only one and it was big and beautiful and super delicious, as we found out later. On the way to the river we walked through an empty campsite and nearly stumbled right into a fairy village at the base of a great old tree. Abandoned by its inhabitants for quite a while, it had fallen into disrepair, but its magic lingered in the air and I had to take a photo.

Then, toward sunset, Danny and I went back to camp to start the fire for dinner. He was chopping at a big stump of wood when the ax broke and the head stayed in the wood. He tried everything to get it out, but it was not going anywhere.
I think my husband is so dang cute! Notice the light on the mountain behind him; isn't that gorgeous. Arizona sunsets are often really breathtaking.



One day, after a week of negative thinking and ingratitude when I was particularly homesick for Utah beauty I was in the backyard watering plants and sweeping and stuff when I turned the corner onto the side of the house and saw this:


It may not look like much, but the colors were so vivid and the carpet of purple was so dramatic in a world full of neutrals. It was more beautiful than anything I had seen in days and was just exactly what I needed. Heavenly Father shows us he loves us in the most unexpected ways sometimes.

Mom and Dad's visit

For my birthday in October, my parents gave me the most wonderful gift: they came to visit. We had a blast the entire time they were here. I don't know how we managed to pack in everything we did, but it was awesome. We went to the Desert Botanical Gardens and spent hours strolling through spiked cacti, some of which look an awful lot like oceanic coral and other-worldly creatures, and tiny-leafed trees, and flowers which desperately struggle to attract bugs to pollinate them. Here are a few of the photos from that adventure. As you can see, I thought the people were more worthy of pictures given the limited life of my camera's battery. Mom got more photos, and they are much better. I'll see if I can get them from her.
After that, we went to Monty's which is a restaurant here in Tempe that is in one of, if not the oldest standing building in the valley. It was yummy and fun and so wonderful.
The next day Danny and I took them to our favorite grocery store, Trader Joe's, and they were mightily impressed with all the natural, healthy, inexpensive and various items for sale there. They loaded up on all sorts of food they can't get at home. Back at the house we sat around and talked and ate cheese and crackers and fruit. It was so wonderful to just sit with them and discuss ideas and politics and religion; all the things people tell you not to talk about with family, but we loved it. It's sad to me that religion and politics are such taboo subjects because if you think about it, religion and politics are pretty much the two most powerful things in this world that can have the power to build or destroy entire civilizations because of their influence over people's agency. They should be discussed regularly, deeply and thoughtfully. If we could learn to really discuss these two things respectfully, I think we'd be well on our way to figuring out how to live peaceably. After we couldn't sit anymore we went into the back yard and worked together on removing some of the oleanders that I've been chopping at for months making no progress. I have missed working in the yard with my parents. It was one of the things our family did together on a regular basis, and I think it's the reason I developed many of the character traits I like most about me. My parents are so wonderful. I couldn't, in a million life times ask for any better. I love you Mom and Dad!

Danny's ten year reunion

I finally downloaded some photos, so here we go:


In October Danny had his ten year high school reunion. It was really great for me to meet some of the people who knew him before I did, and to hear all the wonderful things they thought of him. I heard over and over, "You got a good one!" and, "Danny's such a great guy, hold on to him." Of course I knew all that, but a part of me liked hearing it. It made me proud and grateful. I liked it especially because we didn't have a typical courtship where we got to watch each other interact with other people at church or school. I never got to crush on him from afar before dating him, and pretty much all of our dating was long-distance, so it was just really fun for me to see him with other people who know and respect him, and to hear some stories from his high school days. It was two nights and two locations, only the second of which we had a semi-functioning camera. Here's a picture of one of his good friends, Matt and his awesome girlfriend, Lindsay, whom I spent quite a bit of time with.

The Woman In Me

Danny has always wanted me to be comfortable and confident enough with myself to stick up for myself, to state my opinions, to be assertive, to argue my point. Being the shy, timid girl I am I've always been paralyzed by contention, confrontation and other people's confidence. But the other day something magical happened. I don't remember what was happening or what we were talking about, but somehow I found it in me to stand my ground. Afterward I felt this unfamiliar feeling of elation. I felt powerful and strong. I felt good. And Danny felt good for me. Our conversation, whatever it had been was now a mutual celebration of my new-found confidence.
Yesterday it happened again. We were driving around delivering documents for his work before going to his sister's house for dinner and somehow one of the documents slipped between the seat and the center console and the wrong address got entered into the GPS. We wasted a lot of time and drove way out of the way. We couldn't figure out what had happened for a minute and when we did he was really mad at wasting so much of the trip. In situations like that, when anyone or no one could be blamed, I usually always take the blame and stew in my own self-loathing. This time was different. After a minute or two of silence as we backtracked, he started talking, letting me know he was really frustrated, but that he didn't want me to sit there blaming myself. I said with just a hint of sass, "Good, I'm not blaming myself, because I don't think I did a damn thing wrong." He actually laughed, and I felt that same feeling of power, confidence and self-love again. I felt like the woman emerging from the girl. The feeling in the car changed from terrible to wonderful again in less than a minute. If I hadn't said anything, or just dropped it like I usually do, we would have felt that strain for hours to come and dinner would have been ruined.
I always thought that it was love and respect or at least deference for the other person that made me swallow my pride and relinquish my opinion, but now I see how horribly wrong I've been. It wasn't love, it was something pretty opposite. Love comes from mutual understanding. If you don't really understand someone, or let them really understand you, the love is not there. When I don't allow myself to be heard, I don't allow love to grow- love for myself, love for others and love from others.

We've had a sick chicken for a few weeks. Our beautiful black and white coo coo maran had been sneezing on occasion for most of the summer, but about a week and a half ago she started going to sleep in random places and way too frequently. She was slow and lethargic and really skinny. Danny started doing all sorts of research, learning about all the medicines chicken breeders keep handy. Now we have a fully stocked chicken pharmacy and a recovering coo coo maran. Who knows, maybe one day all this stuff and knowledge will come in really handy and be more than just a great hobby.

Danny started a new job. It's going to be so much better.

Journal Entry - August 9, 2010
I'm a little depressed tonight, so my thoughts are tainted with melancholy.
My oldest sister had her third baby the other day. It's her third boy, her third beautiful boy. I am absolutely joyful for her. I think she's such a fabulous mother. I'm sure she's tired and relieved and maybe a little overwhelmed, and I wish I was there to help her. I wish I could take her older boys to the park and the pool and be the sister and aunt I'd like to be. Both my sisters have had their third babies this summer. I feel so far away. I am growing more and more appreiative of my family. I am grateful, super grateful, that Danny wants to move to Utah so we can be closer to my family. He is glad he married into this fantastic group of people.

Danny is no longer working for TJ's. His back was more important to us than his meager paycheck. He's registered for his fall semester classes, and if I can find a full-time job he can focus on school. I've been looking for a job, frantically and lazily depending on the week, since April. I think I must be really prideful. There are plenty of jobs to be had, but there are not many places I've been willing to work. I'm willing to be a burden to others who love me, but I'm not willing to work at some retail store or restaurant and contriute. I have gotted down on myself a lot for it. I go to apply, sometimes I even fill out the application and then I back out because I feel I can't cut it for some reason or another- I'm too scatter-brained to wait on tables, I'm not experienced enough for this, or knowledgeable enough for that, I have no training or schooling. So I give up and don't fight for it. I remember thinking a number of years ago that my lack of confidence is really a pride issue. I'm too prideful to show how incapable I am, or think I am, so I don't try. Lack of confidence, fear, pride... they are all one and the same, and they have a major grip on me. When will I ever learn to love myself? When will I let love be my weapon against my cage? If I learn on thing in my entire life, I hope it is this: To feel love all of the time.

I had a first experience two nights ago. I couldn't sleep. I was trying not to think about anything, and you know how when you've presented your brain with a question or problem and then walked away from it for a while the answer comes to you at some random time. Well, I've been trying to figure out how to remodel this house for months, and suddenly in the black silence I was walking through the fully remodeled house. I saw all the furnishings, the colors, the lighting, the flooring. It was so powerful that I got up and went to the office to draw it. I drew and drew for a good hour or more. I wrote note after note, and in the morning when I looked at my drawing I could barely read some of my writting because I had written over writing and drawn multiple layers on the same drawing. It was such an awesome experience. I felt like those great designers who just see it. This was my first time seeing the completed picture before it was half done in real life. It was great. And since that experience I've understood that all the time I've been struggling to find the exact right look I was skipping over all the other looks that would also be really dang cool. There is that saying: Perfection is the enemy of good enough.

I put all my stuff on Etsy on sale, and finally sold another hobby horse. I hope the little girl it's going to will love it.

We've postponed, indefinitely, our wedding celebration picnic. It's just wreched timing.

Some days I am utterly convinced that this man I married is 300 years my senior- 300 years more experienced, 300 years more knowledgeable and wise. You often find people who are passionate about something, and because of that passion, they are good at or know a great deal about that thing they love. But it isn't often that you find someone who is so good at and knows so much about so many very different things. His mediocre easily out-does my excellent, and often. I am in awe of the fact that he loves me. I am humbled. I am grateful. I am honored. And somewhere in all of those feelings there is the hint of an idea- if he's so great and so wise and so careful, and he actually CHOSE me to be by his side forever, then I must be pretty amazing too. And then I feel something... wonderful... hope. And I am happy.

I can't get enough of this "being farmers" thing.

Our garden boxes are manifesting life better than I expected. Being new to the summer in the Phoenix valley I'm surprised anything lives. The cucumbers took a mighty hit when we transplanted them, but they are finally recovering and soon I'll be bottling pickles! The zucchini is flourishing. Was it a mistake to plant so many zucchini plants? I'm suddenly a little worried-what am I going to do with it all? There's a limit to how much zucchini bread one can eat.

The house we're living in is the one Danny grew up in. His parents have asked us to help them get it ready to sell, which means renovation. Awesome! I have so many ideas. I have spent, and will spend, and love spending countless hours at Home Depot and Lowe's and other home improvement stores. I have dozens of pictures from magazines and HGTV.com. It's hard to remember that this house is not mine and won't ever be, so it's not my design taste that counts in the end. Oh well, it's practice. I have painted five or six different colored splotches on the walls in the bathroom. I thought I was pretty good at choosing paint colors, but this house has proven otherwise. The paint in my sewing room/ Danny's office, for instance, was supposed to be a warm, happy, spring time yellow. It looks like banana cream pudding. Not my favorite, but it's ok in some lighting. I keep telling myself that the light in Arizona has a different quality to it, and that's why all my color choices have been flops. Who knows, maybe that's true.

Jack, the cat has almost taken up residence in and around the chicken coop because of the sudden population boom of the grey mouse. He's always on the hunt. The other day I woke up to Jack knocking all the cereal off the top of the refrigerator trying to get at a mouse. This morning I watched him catch one and play with it the way Danny plays with Jack. He knocked him around a bit and teased him. The mouse surprised me by getting really close to Jack, sniffing him and pawing at him; like he wasn't afraid.

Our chickens make me feel like a real farmer. I love getting up at 4:30 (when Danny gets up for work) to feed the animals and water the plants. The pre-dawn light, the cooler air, the chickens waking up, Jack begging and begging and begging for food. Can't wait for cows and sheep and horses!

Nearly two months already!

In a few days Danny and I will have been married for two months. It's not a very long time; we're still in the thick of the honeymoon phase-true, but I am glad to say that I am grateful every day for him.