Journal Entry - August 9, 2010
I'm a little depressed tonight, so my thoughts are tainted with melancholy.
My oldest sister had her third baby the other day. It's her third boy, her third beautiful boy. I am absolutely joyful for her. I think she's such a fabulous mother. I'm sure she's tired and relieved and maybe a little overwhelmed, and I wish I was there to help her. I wish I could take her older boys to the park and the pool and be the sister and aunt I'd like to be. Both my sisters have had their third babies this summer. I feel so far away. I am growing more and more appreiative of my family. I am grateful, super grateful, that Danny wants to move to Utah so we can be closer to my family. He is glad he married into this fantastic group of people.

Danny is no longer working for TJ's. His back was more important to us than his meager paycheck. He's registered for his fall semester classes, and if I can find a full-time job he can focus on school. I've been looking for a job, frantically and lazily depending on the week, since April. I think I must be really prideful. There are plenty of jobs to be had, but there are not many places I've been willing to work. I'm willing to be a burden to others who love me, but I'm not willing to work at some retail store or restaurant and contriute. I have gotted down on myself a lot for it. I go to apply, sometimes I even fill out the application and then I back out because I feel I can't cut it for some reason or another- I'm too scatter-brained to wait on tables, I'm not experienced enough for this, or knowledgeable enough for that, I have no training or schooling. So I give up and don't fight for it. I remember thinking a number of years ago that my lack of confidence is really a pride issue. I'm too prideful to show how incapable I am, or think I am, so I don't try. Lack of confidence, fear, pride... they are all one and the same, and they have a major grip on me. When will I ever learn to love myself? When will I let love be my weapon against my cage? If I learn on thing in my entire life, I hope it is this: To feel love all of the time.

I had a first experience two nights ago. I couldn't sleep. I was trying not to think about anything, and you know how when you've presented your brain with a question or problem and then walked away from it for a while the answer comes to you at some random time. Well, I've been trying to figure out how to remodel this house for months, and suddenly in the black silence I was walking through the fully remodeled house. I saw all the furnishings, the colors, the lighting, the flooring. It was so powerful that I got up and went to the office to draw it. I drew and drew for a good hour or more. I wrote note after note, and in the morning when I looked at my drawing I could barely read some of my writting because I had written over writing and drawn multiple layers on the same drawing. It was such an awesome experience. I felt like those great designers who just see it. This was my first time seeing the completed picture before it was half done in real life. It was great. And since that experience I've understood that all the time I've been struggling to find the exact right look I was skipping over all the other looks that would also be really dang cool. There is that saying: Perfection is the enemy of good enough.

I put all my stuff on Etsy on sale, and finally sold another hobby horse. I hope the little girl it's going to will love it.

We've postponed, indefinitely, our wedding celebration picnic. It's just wreched timing.